Here’s why you should avoid the “blaming game” in your relationship

“When your blaming and criticizing others, you are avoiding some truth about yourself” ~ Deepak Chopra

Blaming in your relationship or in any relationships in whatever situation or relationships were in,  it is easy to  shift the blame onto someone else to pride and protect ourselves.  The truth is, the blame game usually get’s us no where and can become a very toxic cycle.

Blaming can be triggered by minor issues often leading to a bigger disaster which could be avoided.  When it comes to blame, it’s almost always easier to see the fault in others than it is to see it in ourselves.  The same goes for all sorts of relationships, friendships, family members, but most especially romantic relationships.  We’ve all fallen into the trap of the “blame game” at some point and the real problem is that it’s neither only one person’s fault.

As human beings, we all come with our flaws.  Moreover, it’s natural to try to defend yourself and these self-defense mechanisms come with double power, when we’re arguing with someone close to us. Once you’ve fallen into the blame game trap, it’s increasingly difficult to break.  Couples fight over small things all the time and external factors such as financial problems, stress at work, family issues aggravate the argument,  and turn them into a “who’s to blame” competition.

You’re late for work, you open the fridge to pour some milk into your morning coffee, but there’s none. You blame your partner because they’ve forgotten to buy milk – at this point your partner who then becomes offended by the accusation, throws the blame back at you, escalating the argument.

When your relationship becomes all about blame, it’s a game that’s already lost. When a conflict arises, it’s easier to fuel your anger with your partner’s flaws. The morning coffee with no milk turns into an argument about your partner’s laziness, carelessness or selfish behavior. This is known as case-building behavior and is amongst the most toxic issues you can bring in to your relationship.  When we’re angry, we are more likely to see our partner’s qualities through a negative filter – this means, paying more attention to their flaws and completely forgetting about their positives.

Usually, there are two ways out of the situation.

#1 – You can feed your anger with blame, trying to prove a point by escalating the argument and using your partner’s flaws as proof,

#2 or you can try to balance things out.  One thing you should remember, if you feel like you’ve started to throw blaming back and forth, it’s best to drop the argument completely.  Anger and frustration are never good advisors and most of the time we are in the heat of the moment, take a breather and step out for a moment to cool down, when your in a proper space to think about the situation and calm down, you can make better judgements and calls, gain better understandings, instead of acting out of frustration, hurt, and emotion.   The blaming game can not only poison your mood for the day, but completely ruin your relationship.

A large number of couples can’t understand that blaming is rarely in one of the partners alone.  As humans, we have self-defense mechanisms that make sure we keep a high self-esteem and perception of ourselves. This self-serving biases make us attribute any flaws in ourselves to external factors (“I haven’t forgotten to buy milk, I was really stressed at work and didn’t have any free time”) and attribute the failings of our partners to their internal qualities (“You didn’t buy milk, because you’re lazy and inconsiderate”).

If you feel you’ve fallen into the blaming game trap, it is best to walk away as said previously.  Relationship conflicts tend to trigger and provoke us in unexpected ways. Your first instinct might be to defend yourself by placing blame onto your partner, but remember: when you feel frustrated, it’s important to calm down. You can better manage you and your partner’s temper, if both of you are relaxed and ready to have an adult conversation.  Blame-placing is never the solution, as it drives your relationship into a vicious circle of accusations and destructive patterns of behavior.

So, next time you feel angered, betrayed or annoyed by your partner’s behavior, take a deep breath.  When your relationship becomes all about blame, it’s a sign that both of you have forgotten about being compassionate and understanding to each other. Next time, take a break from the argument and reflect on your patterns of behavior. Be ready to have an adult conversation and remember that fault is rarely a one-sided thing.   After all, it’s more important to salvage your relationship than to prove you’re right, isn’t it?

Have you ever experienced a situation of blame in your relationship? We would love to hear from you, comment below.